after throwing up 3 lbs of dinner, I took 6 dulcolax maximum strength pills. I am going to go through fucking HELL tomorrow morning. I have a handful of asprins ready for the second I wake up I am going to down them all so by the time I start purging I hopefully won’t be in as much pain. I’m seeing him tomorrow at 11, right when my first class ends. I want to excite him.

I haven’t showered or changed out of my pajamas and all I can do is feel the food that I didn’t purge last night before bed in my stomach, just fucking sitting there, and all I can think about is if I should make some ramen and throw it up because it is so easy to. why can’t I just not be hungry? why must I have the urge to eat? I feel like sometimes I’m a pro, that this is so easy and almost enjoyable, but then I feel like this, a struggle, a horrible sickness. 

I think I might start working out my abs, even if it’s just a few reps of crunches a day.

I’m going to make myself finish this bottle of Powerade Zero and I am going back to the toilet until I fucking pass out. 

I got puke all over my bathroom floor, all over my scale, all over my macbook. I woke up at 111 lbs, ate my way up to 116.8 lbs, and all I could get back down to was 114 lbs. I’m so ashamed, regretful, frustrated, and disappointed. I could have just not eaten and I could have been fucking under 110 lbs. I’ve never been under 110 lbs. someone fucking kill me, PLEASE. I am never eating again. fucking god.

xo anxiety.

about to binge my brains out. I should really just jump out a window, but I’ll head downstairs to the kitchen instead. I hope I trip and break both my legs on the way down that way I won’t fucking do this to myself. I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life.

what’s that, scale? who’s 111 lbs? oh, me. 

I wonder how my night would have been if we didn’t do all that molly and coke tonight.. I wonder how different or the same it would have been.. now I’m in my room, possibly still rolling, chewing on this gum that ran out of flavor hours ago, avoiding at all costs the coming down of this drug which will only keep me in bed, wide awake, with nothing but anxiety in my head. I just want to sleep and wake up to tomorrow. Fuck, I’m probably going to be up for hours and hours to come, fuck. I am going to try my hardest to sleep, I have to. I had a wonderful night and I’d like to keep it that way.

I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling I’m falling 

nobody catch me.

whatever you do, do not catch me.

:) I feel beautiful and amazing and happy and worth it.